I’m about to tell you why the current state of marketing makes me want to throw my laptop into traffic while screaming Shakespeare insults at our digital overlords.
The last year has been about as exciting as watching paint dry in slow motion while someone explains cryptocurrency.
Every email, every sales page, every “revolutionary” marketing approach has been as predictable as my morning coffee addiction
(which is to say, VERY)
Close your eyes and imagine this:
You’re at a party. There are two people trying to tell you about their products/business/self etc.
Person A is wearing a suit, droning on about “paradigm shifts” and “synergistic opportunities” like they’re reading from a Business Buzzword Bingo card.
Person B is dressed like a chaos goblin, telling you wild stories about how they discovered their product formula while fighting off raccoons in their backyard at 3 AM, and somehow making it relevant to your life through a series of increasingly unhinged but entertaining metaphors.
Who are you going to remember? Who are you going to want to hear more from?
We’re not just competing with other marketers anymore. We’re competing with:
TikTok dancing pandas
Instagram reels of people falling into pools
YouTube videos of cats knocking things off tables
Netflix’s entire content library (Tbh I should get an achievement for completing Netflix in 2024)
That weird thing your aunt shared on Facebook
And we’re showing up to this entertainment Thunderdome with… bullet points and testimonials?
(I can’t help myself with making Mad Max references cause it’s ONE of my favourite Christmas movies, okay…)
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE BURNING ENGAGEMENT METRICS.
I’ve spent the last year watching my inbox fill up with emails that have all the personality of a corporate tax return.
It’s like everyone forgot that humans are basically just storytelling monkeys with credit cards and anxiety.
You want to know what works? ADVENTURE. CHAOS. FUN.
Example: I once wrote a sales page for a writing course that was structured like a choose-your-own-adventure book. Was it professional? Hell no. Did it convert? Like a caffeinated squirrel finding an unattended nut warehouse.
People bought because:
1. They were entertained
2. They wanted to see what other crazy shit I’d come up with
3. The actual product was good (important detail)
4. They felt like they were part of something more interesting than another “7-step system to success”
Here’s another little nugget of truth: Your audience doesn’t wake up in the morning thinking, “Gosh, I hope someone tries to sell me something today in the most boring way possible!”
They want:
Stories that make them forget they’re being sold to
Characters they can relate to (even if that character is your caffeinated, pantsless marketing persona)
Adventures they can be part of
Entertainment that doesn’t make them feel like they’re reading a terms of service agreement
So here’s my challenge to you as we sneak into 2025.
Stop being boring. Stop writing like you’re trying to impress your high school English teacher. Start writing like you’re telling stories at a bar after your third Espresso Martini (or whatever your beverage of choice is)
The little known secret that everyone forgets is…
People will buy from you not just because they need your stuff, but because they want to be part of your story.
They want to be part of something fun, something different, something that makes them feel alive in all of this digital world of “limited-time offers” and “exclusive bonuses.”
Stephen Walker
AND OFC I AM DEFINITELY NOT DRINKING AN ESPRESSO MARTINI IN THIS PICTURE YOU’RE NOT GONNA CLICK ON
P.S. Yes, I wrote this entire manifesto without pants. It’s part of my brand now.
P.P.S. The squirrels watching through my window are taking notes. They’re clearly planning something.
P.P.P.S. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in my murder shed, writing sales pages that make people question their reality while being entertained enough to actually read them.
Remember: Life’s too short for boring marketing. Make it weird. Make it fun. Make it memorable. And for the love of all things caffeinated, make it something that doesn’t make people want to gouge their eyes out with a rusty spoon.