I posted this in a little group on Twitter…
I coach them on how to take every day articles, news and anything pop culture and turn it into a humour piece.
Which you can use to send out anywhere to entertain the souls that follow you.
Now check out the link below and then come back the rest of the email. You should be entertained but also worried if this comes to light.
THIS IS THE DUMBEST THING I’VE READ IN 2025 SO FAR…
Jerk-Off Justice Squad™
Oh-ho-ho, folks. Strap in.
This is a fine bit of internet police work…
Because the fine legislators of Ohio and Mississippi…
You know?
Those bastions of progress, those lighthouses of liberty, those absolute brain-genius policy crafters, have finally had enough of your reckless, unlicensed nutting…
That’s right. Time’s up, semen bandits.
The Jerk-Off Justice Squad™ is coming for you.
(Wouldn’t be surprised if Marvel makes this a thing lol)
The Crime?
Ejaculating without intent to conceive.
The Punishment?
A $10,000 “Oops-I-Didn’t-Put-A-Baby-In-It” fine.
The Implications?
Oh, man. Let’s break it down.
- The Semen Police Are Now A Thing
Imagine, if you will. A squadron of government-appointed Nut Inspectors, crouching in the bushes outside your house, waiting for the telltale sounds of self-love. You finish up and BAM. Your door flies off the hinges. A man in a suit with a clipboard and a UV light steps in…
“Sir, we have reason to believe you have engaged in unauthorized emissions. Where’s the egg, sir? WHERE’S THE GODDAMN EGG?”
Feeling like 1984 yet?
They swab your keyboard. They check the sock. They confiscate your tissues as evidence.
You’re going away for a long time, pal.
- What Counts As A Felony Load?
- Pulling out? Illegal.
- Condoms? Contraband.
- Blowjobs? WAR CRIMES, APPARENTLY.
- Masturbation? A one-way ticket to financial ruin.
Forget the IRS, the real taxman is the Department of Ejaculatory Oversight, and they are coming for your liquidity.
- How Do They Catch You?
- AI-powered jizz detection drones?
- A mandatory ejaculation ledger where you must report all emissions to the state?
- Door-to-door semen audits where a man in a trench coat asks, “Have you been a good little procreator this month?”
The possibilities are endless and deeply, deeply horrifying.
- The Slippery Slope (Pun Extremely Intended)
If nutting without intent is a crime, what’s next?
- Men must submit a “Letter of Ejaculatory Intent” before sex?
- All orgasms must be notarized?
- A government-mandated Sperm Savings Account™ where all your little guys are stored for later use?
WE HAVE LOST OUR MINDS AS A SOCIETY…
I get it. Legislators are bored. They’ve already banned women from existing autonomously, so now they’re coming for your balls.
But this? This is a level of dystopia that even Orwell was too polite to write about.
So good luck, Ohio and Mississippi men. Either start paying up or start practicing extreme semen discipline.
Because in 2025, if you nut and they don’t bust, your wallet will…
And there you have it.
Fun, light hearted but entertaining (Well, I was chuckling while writing it out.)
Now I’m getting back into bed cause I’m shivering with a temperature of 37°C / 98.6°F which is cool, obviously…
Stephen Walker