So a little while ago I happened to participate in the weirdest threesome of my life.
NOT THAT KIND
You perverts.
I don’t mean anything sexual.
I mean from a friendship and relationship point of view, the kind that makes you question if the sky daddy up there is just playing out some reality show for bored interdimensional teenagers or whatever…
But as the kids say nowadays.
Let me spill the tea.
It’s more of a clusterfuck but I’m sure you’ll find it entertaining cause it involves yours truly.
WOMAN #1: The one that got away, then came back, then nuked everything from orbit.
We reconnected after months of radio silence.
And I shit you not. It’s like someone out there has a voodoo doll of me and out of the blue it’s like “hey remember that person you adored? HERE THEY ARE AGAIN, SUCKER.” and so the messenger icon lights up and low and behold I get a message from her.
The thing is. We had history. Like a punch to the gut type of history.
WOMAN #2: Industry adjacent cool person with gaming cred and cheese opinions. NOT ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH ME. I repeat for the people in the back.
JUST. FUCKING. FRIENDS.
ME: The idiot standing in the blast radius with a “this is fine” coffee mug.
Here’s what happened.
Woman #1 and I rekindled whatever smoldering ember remained of our previous connection. It felt good. Like finding that one sock you thought the dryer demons had claimed for their cloth sacrifice ritual. Meanwhile, I’d made friends with Woman #2
(who is well known in my industry and once dated someone in our mutual circle because life loves a good six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon situation)
Woman #2 and I just hit it off. Pure platonic chemistry. The kind where you find yourself sending World of Warcraft memes at 2 AM and having existential debates about whether Gouda is overrated. (It isn’t. Fight me.)
Just two humans enjoying each other’s company without the complication of wanting to see each other naked.
(And yeah yeah, I hear you. “Men and women can’t be friends without sexual tension!”
That’s some When Harry Met Sally bullshit we can dissect another time. The 1980s called, they want their heteronormative assumptions back.)
But here’s where everything went sideways fast.
Woman #1 developed thoughts (the dangerous kind)
Insecurities bloomed like toxic flowers.
Woman #2 got dragged into our emotional shit show.
Things escalated from “slightly awkward” to “probably gonna bomb Russia if they had the chance”
Despite my honesty with Woman #1 Because I’m a grown ass adult who uses words instead of passive aggressive Instagram stories and Facebook posts, everything went full nuclear. The emotional equivalent of Chernobyl, except instead of radiation it was just hurt feelings and misunderstandings spreading through the atmosphere.
It’s sad really, because if anything had progressed further with Woman #1 and we started actually dating, Woman #2 would have been the first to know. I would have sent her a formal notification, possibly via carrier pigeon or one of those singing telegram gorillas. That’s how fucking clear I would’ve made it.
So while everything went to hell in a handbasket. A particularly stylish handbasket with flames painted on the sides
Woman #1 vanished from my life like she entered the witness protection program.
Meanwhile, Woman #2 stuck around, still sending memes and occasionally mentioning that Woman #1 was “stupid to let it get to this point.”
And I’m trying to pull some creative / marketing / magical lesson here…
But there’s no fortune cookie wisdom to wrap this shit show in a bow.
Sometimes people’s insecurities just get them.
I don’t hold it against them. I wish them happiness, success, good hair days, and whatever else people wish for others they once cared about.
But damn if it doesn’t sting watching something pretty amazing get discarded like that.
That’s just life I guess.
Stephen Walker
P.S. Feel free to buy yours truly a couple of Guinness to wash away the ugh from this clusterfuck you’ve just put yourself through. I guess I’m better off sticking to what I’m good at. Writing and reading books.