So you’ve written some words, and somehow people started following you like you’re holding the last coffee bean on Earth.
Congratulations!
You’ve accidentally started a cult.
Here’s how to lean into that power without becoming an actual megalomaniac:
CREATE AN ALTERNATIVE REALITY (AKA YOUR BRAND VOICE)
Every good cult needs its own reality tunnel. Lucky for you, you’re already living in one. It’s called your writer’s brain. That weird-ass perspective where you see story possibilities in everything from your neighbour’s suspicious garden gnomes to that one squirrel that keeps flipping you off? That’s your reality. Share it. Make it infectious. Let people see the world through your caffeine-addled eyes. But instead of making them drink suspicious Kool-Aid, you’re just making them drink whatever’s in your questionable coffee mug.
ESTABLISH SACRED TEXTS (YOUR CONTENT STRATEGY)
Regular cult leaders have their manifestos. You? You’ve got your blog posts, your newsletters, your tweetstorms about the proper way to fight a goose (you can’t). The key is consistency in your madness. Create content that’s recognisably YOU. Make inside jokes. Build running gags. Create a vocabulary that only your followers understand. Soon they’ll be speaking in your metaphors, and that’s when you know you’ve won.
DEVELOP RITUALS (ENGAGEMENT PATTERNS)
Every cult needs its rituals. Instead of midnight chanting, you’re creating hashtag games. Instead of secret handshakes, you’re building comment threads that turn into beautiful disasters. Make your followers feel like they’re part of something bigger than themselves. Because they are. They’re part of your shared delusion, and it’s GLORIOUS.
CREATE HIERARCHY (COMMUNITY BUILDING)
Real cults have levels of devotion. Your cult? It has readers who become commenters who become guest posters who become moderators who become… actually, let’s not go full Scientology here. The point is…give people ways to level up their involvement. Create spaces where they can connect with each other. Let them build their own little subsects of your madness.
PROMISE SALVATION (DELIVER VALUE)
Here’s where we diverge from actual cults. Instead of promising enlightenment through isolation and bank account drainage, you’re actually giving people something real. Writing advice that doesn’t suck. Stories that make them feel seen. A community of equally weird humans who get their obscure references. You’re not selling snake oil. You’re sharing your genuine, unfiltered, possibly concerning perspective on the craft.
Remember this. Real cults isolate people. You’re building connections. Real cults demand blind faith. You’re encouraging critical thinking (just with more profanity and coffee). Real cults take. You give your knowledge, your experience, your questionable wisdom about fighting waterfowl.
Side mission: The Stand by Stephen King
(A lot of his books have subtexts and subtle hints at cult psychology and it’s incredibly fascinating to go down that rabbit hole)
Stephen Walker
P.S. Yes, this entire manifesto was written without pants. As all sacred texts should be.
P.P.S. If anyone actually starts a real cult based on this, I’m blaming the squirrels.
P.P.P.S. The squirrels are always watching. Always. I saw one taking notes yesterday. IT HAD A TINY NOTEBOOK.